is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
