Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
