So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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