Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
