Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
