I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
