Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
