I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
