so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
