coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
