Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
