I'm gonna have a badass scar
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
