as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
