as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
