So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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