I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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