Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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