Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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