Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
