you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
