why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
