No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
