So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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