I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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