Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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