Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
