Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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