Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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