Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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