my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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