It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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