I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sober January is a disaster.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
