why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
