my phone needs a breathalizer
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
