dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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