Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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