All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
