rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
