She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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