She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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