I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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