i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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