Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
