If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Two words: blizzard sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
