i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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