You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
