Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
