i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
