i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
