I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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