is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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