i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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