I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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