I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
