also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
