Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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