We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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