This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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