the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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