for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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