I wish you could order shots online.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The police scanner is talking about you again....
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
