The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
