guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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